Where Did Cindy-jo Go?

It’s 6AM and I’m downtown on the bridge for another early morning urban hike. I remind myself this is the coolest part of the day, but my weather app says it’s still around 77 degrees. I’m tired and I really don’t feel like doing this… again.

I actually am coming off a 5 day break, which may explain at least part of my attitude. I’ve noticed the higher my mileage during the workweek the less likely I am to be enthusiastic about walking day and night. Today should mark my graduation to 24 miles per outing, but I’m already convinced I’m going to fall short.

I got up at 4AM, but instead of immediately getting out there, I made breakfast and had some tea, and generally became conscious first. Sounds like it’s good for me, and probably is, but when you are balancing a grueling workout schedule and work, plus whatever other errands I have to attend to, it’s as if my life is owned.

I’m hoping once my body wakes up and I’m back into the swing of things, perhaps my joy for this endeavor will return, but for now, sometimes it feels like a job. A job where the rewards aren’t felt for months and miles.

Its about a month and a half left before I hit the Appalachian Trail again. Planning is going good. Still marking out where I think I’d like to stop for food and resupply. Hitting the gym constantly and eating like a horse. I’ve finally gotten my body weight up to 135, with a final goal weight of 140. I’m pretty sure I can find enough food to shove in my mouth so as to acquire those last five pounds with little effort.

I recently purchased a new tent. I ended up going with the ZPacks Solplex. It’s total weight is supposed to be 15.5 ounces, not including the stakes (? ounces), nor ground cover (2.5 ounces). It’s a single layer tent, which usually means a bitch load of condensation, but due to design, ZPacks claims condensation should roll off the tent efficiently. I’m going to give it a couple test runs while I’m still here in Florida (capital of condensation) and see how it performs. This tent is supposedly a full 1 lb., 13 oz., lighter than my MSR I used last year. So, I’m pretty stoked about the weight savings I’m getting.

Also, I know it’s going to be cold periodically on the trail. That’s something I’ve gotten used to expecting, but last year I mailed home my fleece liner and this year I’m removing it before I pack it. The one I currently use is 1lb..

So, last base weight weigh in I was around 15 pounds total. Minus the fleece liner (1 lb.) and tent weight savings (1 lb., 13 oz.), I should be approx. at 12 pounds. Still some wiggle room to get to the goal of 9 lbs., but I’m not going to beat myself up if I can’t make 9, as long as I get close. I’d be happy if I end up at 10. I’ll forgive the one pound. If I want to get all hard core, I can skimp on the extra food and only pack in 10 lbs. of food, instead of 11. Total goal weight is 120.

So, that’s what’s happening. A lot of last minute crazy stuff to fit in my schedule just to be able to leave my life for two months, but I knew it was going to be “Go Time” once I found myself with less than 2 months before lift off. It’s the little things like making sure I have the right phone service, switching to Verison, getting my bills paid in advance, etc.. All the prep for my life versus the prep for the hike. It’s never over.

Flying to Maine in August and the rest is hopefully history.

http://www.trailspace.com/gear/zpacks/solplex/

If you have been keeping up with my antics, you know I’m in the middle of a gear overhaul; getting ready for this year’s attempt at the self-supported FKT (or world record) for speed hiking the Appalachian Trail. My goal is to get my base weight for my pack down to 9 pounds. It’s way harder than that sounds. So, I have been buying new stuff and altering some of what I have to see if I can get some of the weight off.

Most recent purchase was of the Therm-a-rest, Z-lite, SOL, sleeping pad. I purchased a small, meaning it fits just the torso area of your sleeping bag, saving on weight. So, what does it weigh? 10 ounces supposedly. The current sleeping pad I have is the Klymit Static V2. Very comfortable and totally did the job, but 6 ounces heavier, coming in at one pound.

My friend and hiking buddy, Greg Wilkerson, suggested I buy the Therm-a-rest, siting his use as being pretty comfy and commenting on its lack of weight. Also, I looked all over the REI website researching stats and such and nothing comes in as light weight as the Therm-a-rest at least on their site. So, I was sold. I should have this new piece of gear by the 8th. Looking forward to it.

Also, I would say this was a pretty reasonable buy as well. I purchased it on the REI website for only $43.04.

I had ordered the e+LITE a few days ago and it’s finally in. I got to try it out last night on an urban hike with my friend Greg. I would say light weight as all hell. I like how the clasp that holds the band together so it stays on your head is a whistle. And the strap itself is thin and comfortable. The beam on the high setting is pretty perfect, even at only 50 lumens, but I wasn’t using this in deep woods where ambient light is nonexistent. I was testing it urban hiking downtown. There were moments in my hike that were dark, but not that dark. So, a further test is necessary.

Greg gave me a solid arguement as to why I should not use this headlamp as my primary, but the whole idea is go lightweight. So, I’m going to read a few more reviews and see what others have used. I did really like the idea of the Petzl Tikka, but came to the conclusion that if I wanted to save weight, then going extreme was in order.

I will check back in on this subject more once I have read more.

I also got in the Outdoor Products Backpacker Poncho. I would love to try it out, but won’t be able to test it until the next time I happen to be hiking and it rains. Looking at it, I’m guessing at some point this fabric will compromise, but only field testing will be able to tell me the whole story. To be continued.

So, this is written way after the fact, because it had to be several weeks ago that I was hiking in Georgia, but it’s sort of phase two in the review process of a new vitamin I have been trying.

The product is by Matrix Essential. It is from their energy boosting line. There isn’t a name on the packaging beside the brand, but there is a description of the sample of product inside. It says, “Adaptogen Herbal Support for endurance and energy”.

Phase one, consisted of me already having had worked out. That night I had spent a significant amount of time climbing the stairs and ramps in my local garage, pretty much to the point of exhaustion.I took a break on a park bench. Relaxed for maybe 15 minutes, then took two out of the max of three recommended by this product line. I didn’t give it much time to work or metabolize. Maybe I waited five to ten minutes before I found myself back in the garage for round two. I will say I climbed the six floor of stairs another five times if I am remembering correctly, maybe not. Either way, I had the energy to do it. Now here’s the thing. It’s not uncommon for me to run hard, then get a second wind and run hard again. So, I was left wondering was that the product or just my general second wind kicking in? So, I knew I was going to have to try again.

Phase two, my second test in the big experiment, had me in my truck heading home from GA after a couple of days of little to no sleep and a day of hiking in the mountains from dawn to dusk. I was feeling pretty run down. And on top of all that noise, I had my period. Lovely. Needless to say my energy level was waning for the long drive home. I don’t know about you, but sometimes when I am that tired my eyeballs will stop cooperating and start to shake back and forth as I drive. It lets me know I am at the breaking point. I need sleep or else. As I crossed over the GA/FL boarder I realized I was going to need coffee, or Red Bull, or something. Instead I popped three of the Matrix Essential product, the max dosage. I gave myself a ten minute break, then got back on the road. I’m not sure when it hit me, but literally one hour later I realized I was fine. I was alert, my eyeballs had stopped shaking, and my head didn’t feel like it was going to drop in my lap at any second. I was wide awake. Thank God.

I’m going to credit getting through that drive at least partially to the Matrix Essential product. I think in this test it was pretty obvious that was no second wind, it was the product. I may not have used it in the athletic setting, but found it worked just fine for this situation as well. I’d personally much rather take an herbal supplement to keep me awake than something I might buy in the grocery store that may or may not be synthetic or engineered. Bravo Matrix Essential.

I have just a few more left of the samples I was given, but I intend to give it at least one more field test before writing out a testimonial. So far, so good.

Monday, March 6th, 2017. 7:30am.

I got up this morning at 4am, but didn’t want to get out from under the covers until after 5. By the time I went through the repacking, checking supplies, etc., it was well after 6:30. I also had to make sure I charged all the electronics. The solar and stick I did last night on the drive up, but because I keep the cell with me when I sleep, I had not had it plugged in. It was literally at 1% when I plugged it in this morning and is just now, at 7:30 on the last few minutes before reaching 100%. I probably shouldn’t be working on my blog while I charge, but I’m a fast typer.

In my defense, it was raining at 4am and continued until around 5. After that, my only concern was how damn cold it was outside. Holy Carola! I’m serious when I say this, I completely forget the rest of the country isn’t warm like south Florida. I’m debating to take my bigger jacket. I know what happens when you do. Not even a few miles in you start sweating. If I wear the one in the pack, the one that actually would compress if I didn’t need it, I’d have to open back up the pack I just packed tight… Decisions. Decisions.

The plan was to be on trail at 6am. That didn’t work out so well for me. Now I’m hitting the road by 8. I will hike in 6 hours, then hike out.

Stopped at the outfitter and got a spork and some tuna, plus a rain poncho. The time is now 8:20. Time to get this show on the road.

(Disclaimer: The rest of this was written after the fact. It’s actually now March 11th, Saturday)

So, hitting the trail on this day was bleak. It looked like at any minute it could rain. From time to time the wind would kick up and chill me to the bone. Typically, you bundle up when you first get on the trail and by the time you have been walking maybe 15 minutes, you start shedding layers, because otherwise you sweat. You can pretty much at that point go without heavy jackets, gloves and hats because you keep moving and warming yourself as you do. Don’t stop though, because very quickly when you take a break, you cool down and have to throw everything back on again. Vicious cycle.

So, most of my morning I kept leapfrogging with a large group of twenty somethings. They were slow moving, but I would take a break and they would pass, then they would take a break and I would pass. This went on for a while until I finally left them in the dust. Other than them, for most of the morning it was random couples and single guys hiking that day. I think what struck me though was actually how many people there were out there considering how cold it was.

The morning was cloudy. There were no leaves on any of the trees. This would have allowed for great views, but it was also pretty foggy. The overall look of the woods that day was kind of creepy and calm and cold, still very enjoyable. By the mid afternoon, the sun would peak in and out and I noticed many of the hikers were starting to shed layers, including me.

I have to be honest, although I was looking to put in some heavy miles that day, I kept taking breaks and eating and trying to enjoy the views and really give myself the time to enjoy the experience, as I was only going to get that one day out. It was really peaceful and the more I hiked, the more I wished I could just keep going and not have to hike out later that day.

At Tesnatee Gap I took another break where the giant group of twenty somethings and another group of four twenty somethings were all relaxing. I relaxed too and let them all push on ahead of me. Once I did get going again, quickly I came across an Osprey rain cover that had obviously fallen off someone’s pack. I figured it had to belong to one of the two groups ahead of me, so I picked it up and carried it with me. At Hog Pen Gap I found I was correct and returned it to its owner who was relieved to say the least and thanked me over and over. Apparently, he is at the very beginning of his journey all the way to Maine. Gonna kind of need the rain cover.

Eventually I made my way all the way to Low Gap. By this point my phone was almost entirely dead. I had been recording my miles with Strava which seems to suck the life out of my phone when I use it, but it’s awesome at keeping track of my training speed, mileage, etc.. I figured I’d plug it in to one of my two charging options when it began to run low, but whoops, I brought everything I needed to do that except the chord to attach the chargers to my phone. Ugh. So, I considered Low Gap my turnaround point, ended Strava and turned the phone off, just in case I might need to use it for emergency purposes later. I figured better to be off than dead all together. I took a break and headed back to Neel’s Gap and my truck.

I had left Neel’s early in the morning and by the time I found myself at Low, it was after 2:30pm. So, heading back I figured I would find myself walking in the dark for a bit, but I didn’t realize for how long. Because of the weather, it seemed to get dark early. And I’m guessing the walk back took longer because the elevation changes were not in my favor. Things I didn’t take into consideration. As night began to set in, and darkness started to surround me, the winds picked up and the cold just got colder. It felt like it just might start raining, and I prepared for the worst by picking up the pace.

As I hiked back I had noticed the hikers on trail were dissipating. It’s as if everybody had already made camp by 4pm. I had thought this odd until I had to continue walking past that time  of day and into the dark. No kidding! They made camp early because as night set in the weather was miserable. Duh.

I made it back OK though, cursing the last three miles as the worst three miles I have ever experienced in my life, but we know that’s not true. I was just tired and really looking forward to getting the boots off and under a snuggly blanket. I ended up walking the highway in the dark back to the truck which was parked in Day Hiking about an eighth of a mile from the trailhead. I figured there was a connection to the trail somewhere. So, I wouldn’t have to do that, but I didn’t want to experiment and find out I was wrong in the dark late at night. So, I took my chances and held my headlamp in my hand and bolted as fast as I could down the shoulder of the road. There were a few cars and trucks that passed going pretty fast for a 35 mile an hour zone, and it did cross my mind I might get nailed, but I didn’t. I’m thinking this was a good thing. LOL

When I finally hit the parking lot I had to make my way past some creeper in a Mobil home who stared me down as I walked the drive, but he left shortly after I got in the truck. Lots of cars were still parked in the lot, but nobody was about. I got myself in the truck, got comfortable, and crashed out hard.

Not too many blisters, or anything, but I did roll my ankle a bit out there once or twice as I was loosing my energy for hiking, but nothing too bad. I figured all and all I felt pretty good for covering close to 25 miles. Thing is, I know what my body will feel like when I go to do the drive home. This is not my first quick trip up here. I know what it feels like to hike hard one day, drive home the next. Muscles don’t like exercise, then atrophy. Doesn’t make for a limber situation, but I had no choice. I had work on Wednesday. Time to truck it home. And besides, I really missed my boyfriend. If I made the miles in the right timeframe, I would be able to make a pit stop and see him before having to hit Fort Myers.

It’s Thursday. Last night I slept like a rock. Yesterday, Wednesday, I had worked all day at the shop cutting hair, and it was slammed from open to close. So, I was on my feet from 11am to 8:30pm. Not usually a problem, but I literally rolled into town at 10am that morning from my hike in GA.

The drive home was pretty uneventful, but if you know anything about hiking, it isn’t until the next day when you feel the pain. Tuesday morning started out with a trip to Walmart to buy new pants and underwear, thank you gushing vagina, and Tuesday’s ride home, I spent sitting in my vehicle with my muscles in atrophy. Every time I would get out to go pee or gas up, my legs were stiff as a board. I looked like some old person with a limp for each leg.  I’d like to say I enjoyed the ride home, but I think that would be the farthest from the truth. Having my period and being stiff is no way to cover 650 miles. I survived though. I always do.

So, normally it doesn’t take an entire 24 hours to make that trip, but I made several stops along the way to eat and chill and wake the legs up. Plus, I took a nap somewhere north of Tampa. I got back on the road in a panic at 7am just hoping I hadn’t left too late to get into work on time. All was good though. I literally rolled in at 10 and showered and headed to work. Not my preference, but you do what you have to do.

I have to say, aside from a blister here or there on my feet and legs being stiff, I physically felt pretty good for having had walked 25 miles in the mountains the day before. I’m surprised my body didn’t rebel more, but all good.

Sunday, March 05, 2017 @ 5:15pm

I made it to Neel’s Gap around 4:45pm. It was cloudy and cooler than I expected. The leaves are off the trees and the views are pretty awesome. It’s funny, living in Florida makes me forget this is winter in GA. It never even crossed my mind. Good thing I brought my heavy jacket.

At this point, I’m thinking of parking for the night and hiking in super early. My stomach and female organs are not well, my head is killing me, but I have to admit just the sight of the first mountains on the horizon while I had been driving down the highway had put me instantly into relief mode. It felt like a warm hug from Mom. Not to mention, as I pulled into Neel’s Gap seeing the outfitter in front of me felt like a reunion with an old friend.

Hikers were everywhere stocking up on last minute supplies just as the outfitter began closing operations for the night. I had gotten here just in time. It really took no time at all though for me to get what I came for. It helps to know what you need. Shoes and filtration. Check!

I went in and immediately bought a new pair of Oboz (boots) and a spare Sawyer Mini (water filter). It was amazing to compare my old, worn out boots to the almost pristine newer versions. I had no idea how bad they were until that moment. It’s as if the universe made damn well sure I was going to get some new leathers with plenty of time and opportunity to break those suckers in. Love them! Lucky me, the shop is still stocked up with the same or similar model. Plus, they also had the inserts I needed. A shopping success story.

I pulled away to look for overnight parking, which was supposed to be an eighth of a mile north of the gap. It was, but I didn’t spend but maybe a minute checking it out before I had to head back to the gap to use the Porto John. My period is charging on and my headache is pounding. My stomach still hates me, but I’m not concerned. I didn’t drive this far to not hike. I’m going in, but will I do it now or later? Hmmm….

I sat in the truck for a while thinking I would wait to see if my stomach would continue it’s quest to destroy me, but I felt OK. So, I headed back to overnight parking. I figured at least I would rifle through my stuff and pack properly while I decide what the next course of action would be.

Another nice surprise? I thought I may have forgotten my trekking poles at home. I had packed up so fast and hit the road, I hadn’t even thought about checking for them. BUT I have been hiking a good amount this training season, and had stored them in the back of the pickup under the bed, along with a spare set. Ha! Nice! I’m like a freaking boy scout.

I still feel miserable and pretty much just as insane from my birth control, but at least my mind will be somewhat occupied for a time. Exercise heals. One of my oldest and best friends happens to be a therapist. I called her in a panic as I drove to Georgia today. Telling her what was going on with me and that I think I’m insane and I’m driving everybody around me pretty much insane too. She told me to get off the pill immediately and that she’s known me for 30 years and I’m not insane. So get over it. I defended my decision to stick it out with the pill for now. She was not amused, but relented.

I’m thinking it might be cold as ice tonight. I have my 55 degree Marmot sleeping bag with me, no fleece liner that I am aware of, but I will have to check when I do my repack. So, the smart thing might be to crash out in the truck with my pillows and heavy blankets and get up at 4am again. If that’s what I ultimately decide to do, I might swing into the closest town and get myself a meal before crashing. I haven’t had real food in days and now that Aunt Flow is actually in full effect, my appetite seems to be slightly returning.

I wish I had had some warning, someone to stop me from saying and doing stupid shit the last couple days, and even though I’m here, and I’m happy I’m here, it doesn’t solve anything. I will still have to go home and see if the people I love can forgive me for this fucking madness. Stupid pill! Stupid shit timing! Stupid hormones! Stupid vagina! Ugh… Breathe.

The last week has been a nightmare. I’m trying to think clearly, but I’ve had a low grade headache for now four days. Last night it got so bad, the background noise behind my friend when I was talking to him on the phone was totally pissing me off to the point where I had to tell him so and hang up. I also noticed I couldn’t use my glasses they hurt my eyes so bad. To make matters worse, my mood in general has been all over the charts. The shit hit the fan sometime around 12AM and I decided to get in the truck and drive away as fast as I could. Why this made any sense, I have no idea, but the idea of the trail made me feel like I had a safe place to go.

Yes, I’m blaming the birth control. I’m not sure I have ever felt this freaked out EVER. Irony? I put myself on the pill because I didn’t want to have my period when I tried to beat the world record again this year. Typically, I flow every 21 to 24 days and last year, I think I mentioned in a previous recent post, Aunt Flow came for a visit three times out of the two months I was hiking. Nothing kills enthusiasm like your period.

So, guess what? I’m about an hour from the trail head now, hoping to hike into the night today, maybe put in some big miles, and work out the hormone issue until I’m at the point of exhaustion. I just got break through bleeding. So, I’m bleeding a week before the placebo, and I will probably bleed again during the placebo.

WTF!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!?!!!?!??

I’m not so sure going on the pill was a very good idea. Aside from my clearly disagreeable demeanor, I’m a fucking train wreck. How the hell am I going to stay on this shit for the next six months?????????? This sucks and not only do I feel like shit physically, but I feel like shit mentally and I keep doing and saying the most retarded crap ever. I’m pissing everybody off around me including myself. I was supposed to have a get together at my house on Monday and the whole idea of even being around a group and entertaining made me sick to my stomach. I do not need to feel any more sick, I haven’t really been able to eat any real meal’s worth of food this week either.

What was I thinking? Will this get any easier?

Great. I just found a giant zit on my hairline. Ugh…. Make that two.

Here I am, in the garage walking the ramps, again. To spite having to do this, I want to do this. Especially, right now. I needed a night, just me and concrete below my feet, etching out the good, the bad and the ugly from my day. Today was a particularly hard one. This is not just training, it’s meditation.

Walking on concrete does not take the place of the rugged terrain of the trail, but because of my ever expansive schedule during season, this is what I have.

I noticed out there in the wood, survival to a degree depends on focusing on every step, over and over again. Eventually, you forget the problems of the real world. There is no time for that, only the current step is certain, shaky at best, and choosing wisely and quick as to where the next foot goes is imperative. Never does it occur to you to wonder about steps taken days or even weeks ago. And steps you will take, why worry? You can not predict their placement nor are you familiar with the terrain. There is only now. The next step.

This can be simulated in the garage setting I think more when I’m climbing stairs and less when I’m wandering ramps. In fact, my nose is buried in this phone as I write this blog and walk slowly down to the second floor parking, descending unaware, except through my peripheral, what I should avoid and in what direction I’m heading. As opposed to the ramp, you can’t ignore steps up or down in a stairwell or you might just find yourself loosing some teeth. Same thing on trail, maybe worse.

So, I ask myself today, after a long, arduous day making mistakes and potentially killing beautiful relationships, where has my mind gone? Why am I so selfish? When did I let the real world so easily suck me back in and convince me that the next step is as sure as an expectation? Where has my focus on now gone? Where is that feeling of discontent, the every day uncomfortable feeling of where will my foot land next?

When you get off trail and enter back into the real world, you basically find yourself living in a land of aliens. It can be actually hard to assimilate back into the population, back into ordinary, routine, responsibility. Never had I felt so alone. Never had I felt so much like running back into the abyss. I thought I was immune to the world’s perversions, but they sucked me back in with a vigor. In fact, I welcomed it almost. Hot showers and food, a comfortable bed, parties and work and engagements and projects. The picture of the me the world knows, expects. My only hope is to return to the proverbial stairwell. Get off the ramp and focus where my next foot must go, immersing myself in now, because that’s all we really have. Expectations are not real. The future is nothing but a dream. The past cannot be changed, but we must learn from it, and not make the same mistakes.

Everything I needed to bring me back to center, I found in the brisk walk of a stairwell. I thank God, the universe, The power of the mind to help me forgive myself for the past, forget about the future and focus on here and now. Each step I take like the steps of a stairwell, like the steps down a trail through the mountains. Maybe I will find myself again, not the picture, but the person.